This is the last week of cat equity on OSo40. The relationship between cat and human has always been hard to understand. Humans tend to think of cats as a pet, something we own. Cats however tend to think of it more like a co-habituation situation.
As owners (C of C just fell of the desk with laughter!) we continue to try to get our feline companions to do what we want them to do. As the “real” owners, our cats just stare at us with that “you poor silly human” look on their faces.
Ever heard of the expression “it’s like herding cats”? No? Then please take a moment to watch the following short film.
So what really does go on inside that little furry head? A recent find (undisclosed source, I suspect the CIA) might give us a clue. It appears to be some sort of diary…
DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair… must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 – Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was… Hmmm. Not working according to plan …
DAY 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer.” More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue. (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time…
Taking the above into consideration, you might wonder if your “cute” little fur-ball might be plotting something far more sinister than a hair ball on your pillow. But how can you be sure? Luckily, the all-knowing internet has provided a simple test. Have a look this link and see if any of this seems familiar?
Illustrations by Matthew Inman
This wraps up the Saturday Funnies for this week. I’ll see you next week, just keep an eye on your cat!
After the events of last week, both the C of C and myself have agreed to put the past behind us. (See last week) So no more poking fun at felines for me (at least while the cat is watching!). I saw these videos a while back and thought I would share them with you now.
Leave it to IKEA to answer the age-old question: What do you get when you release 100 cats into a IKEA store? I’m sure many of you out there have lost countless hours of sleep trying to figure that question out! (I for one will sleep better tonight now that I’ve watched these videos!) Of course this now brings up a new question: Are IKEA cats as easy to put together as they no doubt will claim? I guess time will time on that score!
For your viewing pleasure, I’ve included the commercial, as well as the making of the commercial too. Have fun!
The High Queen of Finding Cool Stuff On the Web, a.k.a. my wife showed this to me a while back.
Forget Minions, I need a dog like this one. Even if all he did was make coffee, I would love him forever. I wonder if you can train a dog to walk another dog? Now there’s a blissful thought, me sitting on a Saturday morning enjoying a fresh cup of coffee (which I didn’t have to make) and relaxing while ADD Dog got her morning calisthenics courtesy of my very own super dog. Sigh! Oh well, a guy can dream can’t he?
I guess I’ll just have to be content watching Jesse instead.That and maybe I’ll look through the classifieds again, just to see if anybody is selling a “super-dog” today.
Taking a bit of a vacation today, for a couple of reasons.
1. I have mentioned a few times now that as much as I love blogging, my non-online job is driving a school bus. Currently my division is working through a challenging time, being shorthanded driver-wise. Being one of a group of people who are helping out, I’m feeling a bit tired today.
2. I’m writing this without my glasses, thus I’m blind as a bat (there’s a post about that topic I’m sure) so to make it easier on myself I’m going to keep this short. Just so you know, I wouldn’t recommend trying to use the “force” to write a post. It doesn’t work out so well; all I got was funny looks from the other library patrons, plus a bit of a headache from staring so hard at the computer monitor. Hmmm … type like Yoda, I do!
Now for the fun part. I saw this while driving the other day, and thought it was worth a ponder.
Hanging on the side of a coin operated car wash was a sign reading: “Self Serve Dog Wash” (that’s a good idea, I have to say!). And the name of the car wash? “Spot Free”.
So I have to wonder, what precisely does this imply? Are dogs named Spot washed for free? If so, then ADD dog is getting a quick name change. Or is it more like a Spot-Free zone? Perhaps dogs named Spot aren’t allowed? Maybe like the neutral zone, with Starfleet on patrol, making sure Romulans don’t try to sneak in any dogs named Spot/ck? Does washing your dog there remove their spots? Could it be an underground animal resistance organization propaganda message proclaiming its leader, Spot, is now free from incarceration? Or…….. okay I said it was going to be a short post, so I’ll stop now before I go on all day!
I know! Sometimes I have too much time to think about things.
I’m taking a look at the lighter side of life today. I recently received a complaint that I’ve yet to do a post about the cat (from the cat, of course). First off, I call her the “Cat of Complaint” because most times when she is vocalizing it really sounds like she complaining! Mer-ow, hey my dish is empty! Mer-ow, look at me when I’m talking! Mer-ow, ….. and so on, and so on. She has turned this one sound into its own language. I sometimes feel that I’m manning the customer service desk for cats. Yes madame, right away madame, you are absolutely correct madame! It’s true what they say; dogs have owners and cats have staff.
The following instructions made the rounds on email a few years ago, and I always get a laugh from it. Anybody who has had to give a cat any form of medicine (including drops), will attest to its accuracy.
How to Give a Cat a Pill
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from yard.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the friggin’ cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13. Tie the dang thing’s front paws to rear paws with twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for Humane Society to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
Right after ADD Dog joined our family, she and the cat were still in the “getting to know you” phase of the blooming relationship, when the dog cuffed her in the head with a paw. A $100 dollar trip to the veterinarian later, we had a cat with a scratch on her eye and some eye drops. We dutifully followed the doctor’s instruction that she needed two drops a couple of times a day, and in the beginning, all went rather well. Then towards the end of day two, Cat of Complaint decided that she didn’t need them any longer. From that point on, feline cooperation went straight out the window. What had been a simple one person task, now escalated to two full-grown adults wrestling with a six pound cat, trying to keep her still long enough to deliver two drops.
By day three, she had moved right on past resisting, and was now engaged in a battle of open defiance. It was time to pull out the big guns, aka “The Towel”. If you have never tried to wrap a cat in a towel, it is very similar to dressing an uncooperative toddler. Except the toddler doesn’t usually hiss, growl, and try to bite you while it gyrates frantically in your arms. A UFC match is a walk in the park compared to this activity, and I’m sure much more entertaining to watch (ADD Dog thought it was great fun!). If you have done it correctly, the end result will be a large terry cloth burrito with a cat’s head protruding from it. It is a little known fact that a cat can sure hold a grudge. The Cat of Complaint still hasn’t quite forgiven me for the “Great Cat Burrito” incident (as I like to call it). Sometimes when I see her looking at me, a chill runs down my spine. I have to wonder, can a cat plot revenge? I really hope not!