Home > Saturday Funnies > Who Knows What Lurks In The Hearts Of Cats?

Who Knows What Lurks In The Hearts Of Cats?

This is the last week of cat equity on OSo40. The relationship between cat and human has always been hard to understand. Humans tend to think of cats as a pet, something we own. Cats however tend to think of it more like a co-habituation situation.

As owners (C of C just fell of the desk with laughter!) we continue to try to get our feline companions to do what we want them to do. As the “real” owners, our cats just stare at us with that “you poor silly human” look on their faces.

Ever heard of the expression “it’s like herding cats”? No? Then please take a moment to watch the following short film.

So what really does go on inside that little furry head? A recent find (undisclosed source, I suspect the CIA) might give us a clue. It appears to be some sort of diary…

DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair… must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 – Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was… Hmmm. Not working according to plan …

DAY 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer.” More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue. (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time…

Taking the above into consideration, you might wonder if your “cute” little fur-ball might be plotting something far more sinister than a hair ball on your pillow. But how can you be sure? Luckily, the all-knowing internet has provided a simple test. Have a look this link and see if any of this seems familiar?

How to tell if your cat is plotting to kill you

Illustrations by Matthew Inman

This wraps up the Saturday Funnies for this week. I’ll see you next week, just keep an eye on your cat!

  1. Moosie (Conker and Sharlotte's mommy)
    April 30, 2011 at 11:58 pm

    I like to think of the feline and human relationships within my household full of respect and affection. While we humans indeed refer to ourselves as owners, same can be said for our feline counterparts. They are owners of our admiration, respect and love. While enjoying the long awaited sunshine today, Conker did his garden patrol ensuring the safety of the perimeter of our property. Sharlotte, once she got over her jitteryness of the outdoor stimulation (birds flying, wind blowing through grass, squirrels jumping along the fence, and her favourite – little grass hopping bugs), came out to ensure that the grass was safe to nibble on. Good to know. Please let CoC know, that if she feels that the end of cat equity week is unfair, it is only in jest I am sure. We need our felines as much as they need us. Probably more so. Many hugs and scritches,

    Moosie (& Conker and Sharlotte)

    • KenBroad
      May 1, 2011 at 12:24 pm

      Nicely put Moosie!

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